*cavernous, torturous, 20-second-long sucking-in of breath*
RICHAAAARRRRD. RICHAARD WAAAAALKER. RICHARD WALKER, DEPUTY EDITOR OF XBOX ACHIEVEMENTS. RETURN IT TO ME, RICHARD. RETURN WHAT IS OWED. YOU KNOW OF WHAT I SPEAK. J’ACCUSE, RICHARD. J’ACCUSE YOU OF DÉROBING MA JEUX PORE LE ORDINATEUR. VOULEZ VOUS COUCHER AVEC MON TACTICS RPG, RICHARD?? LE VAUTOUR ENCERCLE LA CARCASSE, LE BOL EST SUR LA TABLE – COMMENT PUIS-JE ME RENDER CHEZ LE BOULANGER????
The year was 2010 when you took it from me, Richard – the mother of all grid-based battlers, one of the greatest digital fables of all time, a thrilling study in dynastic intrigue and medieval warfare. I had yet to even finish the game myself, having long coveted it as a youth consigned to PS1 PAL purgatory. But I could not resist your overtures, Richard! I assumed that you would return it to me in a month, perhaps two. Little did I know that Final Fantasy Tactics’ acclaimed branching Job system would school you in the dark arts of back-stabbing and betrayal, that it would poison your dove-white temperament and set you upon the road to villainy.
I thought we were bros, Richard! Kindred spirits forged in the flame of mutual incompetence! We came up in this business together! Remember when I held your dictaphone for you while you interviewed BioWare’s Ray Muzyka, Richard? I was terrified it wouldn’t pick up his audio, so resorted to kneeling between you like a penitent sinner, waggling the mic back and forth! We looked like idiots, but it’s fine! It’s fine! We got over it! I barely ever think of the scalding embarrassment and humiliation!! Muzyka is some kind of magic medicine brewer now, anyway – who gives a fuck what he thinks? The key thing is that it was a bonding experience, a foundation for everlasting trust! What did I ever do to you, Richard!? What crime have I committed for you to treat me this way?!?!
I name you, Richard, I name you in the public forum, in the court of our peers. With bleeding hands I carve these words in ten-feet high letters upon the mausoleum of posterity: “Here stands indicted Richard Walker, bastard. Faithless one! Breaker of oaths! Smudger of covenants! Pact-shirker! Dog-leech! Cut-purse! Larkspell! Trencher-mouth! Let none welcome him. Let all faces turn from him. Let all doors be closed to him! Let his food taste like ashes and his favourite videogames play like The Lord of the Rings: Gollum!”
You thought I had forgotten, Richard. And to be honest, I did forget, because it has been such a very long time, Richard, but Square Enix did not forget – today, they release a new version of the game on Steam with enhanced visuals, and lo do I rouse in horrified recognition from my dreamless sleep in the murmuring silt of the abysmal sea, lo do I rise in the coruscating incandescence of my absolute fury and indignation to burst upon the surface world and accost the traitor!
RICHAAAARD. RICHAAAARD WAAAALKER. My PSP’s battery may have swollen up like a diseased appendix, but I still have my 32MB Memory Stick Duo with a campaign save. It cries out to me for vengeance! Vengeance upon that great unclean soul and fugitive from justice, Richard Walker, Deputy Editor of Xbox Achievements!