Inspirational thought of the week:
Pale September
I wore the time like a dress that year
The autumn days swung soft around me like cotton on my skin
But as the embers of the summer lost their breath and disappeared
My heart went cold and only hollow rhythms resounded from within
— “Pale September,” Fiona Apple
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the Miami poolside cabana where university semiotic specialists are studying Pat McAfee’s tan lines, we are sad because we know that for most of the nation, the days of jumping into any swimming pool are quickly coming to a close. The days remaining in September have dwindled into single digits, soon to be followed by single-digit temperatures in those pools.
For many, September can’t wrap up soon enough. I am of course speaking of the pumpkin spice cartel and the teams of the Bottom 10. The hopes that those teams carried into Week 0 have all but vanished. As October looms, they are already halfway or more to a cache of losses that will guarantee a sub-.500 season. The dreams they shared of earning a 6-6 berth to a December bowl game are nearly as bankrupt as the cryptocurrency bank that failed to make payment on its sponsorship of that bowl game.
But alas, all is not lost. No team in the FBS ranks has more than four losses. There’s still one more game weekend left in September. There is still time for a turnaround. Just make sure you don’t get so turned around that you wind up running the ball into the wrong end zone.
August 30, 2012: Kent State’s Andre Parker returns a muffed punt the wrong way against Towson and was tackled by his opponents. pic.twitter.com/koRDpRmydY
— This Day In Sports Clips (@TDISportsClips) August 30, 2025
With apologies to Andre Parker, Earth, Wind & Fire and Steve Harvey, here’s the last Bottom 10 of September 2025.
The Bearkats kreated a konundrum for Texas fanatiks. Kould they in kind konscience kontribute enkouragement to Arch Manning?
The Minutemen failed to cover the spread against the Fightin’ Byes of Open Date U. And by that we mean they tried to have a picnic at Lexington Green and literally failed to cover the spread, which was overrun with ants. Still, that’s better than being overrun by Tigers, which will happen this weekend at No. 20 Missouri.
There was also a bye in Westwood. As in, “Bye, Coach.” Now it’s off for the Pillow Fight of the Week, that tradition-rich Big Ten rivalry game at Northworstern.
I was in Corvallis midweek, mere days before the Game Formerly Known As The Civil War. Fittingly, the mood ahead of the Oregon matchup was much like the feelings of the Confederates as they arrived at the Appomattox Court House. The postgame mood was like when they were leaving the courthouse and stepped in a pile of horse manure.
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As I contemplated the Coveted Fifth Spot this week and rewatched a lot of Clemson news conferences, I thought of the eternal words of Crash Davis, speaking to Nuke LaLoosh in “Bull Durham”: “Your shower shoes have fungus on them. … If you win 20 in The Show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press will think you’re colorful. Until you win 20 in The Show, however, it means you are a slob.”
The Golden Flashes in the Pan have an off week. Some might tell you they will use that time to prepare for their Week 6 trip to Oklahoma. But we know better. They are already looking ahead, as we all should be, to their Oct. 11 hosting of UMess in what has all the makings of our first official PFOTWOTYOTCMB of 2025, the Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year of the Century Mega Bowl.
The Woof Pack had somehow managed to elude our evaluation scouts this season despite a loss two weeks ago to then-Bottom 10 member Muddled Tennessee. That made sense when we found those scouts in Reno, passed out on the floor of the Circus Circus casino atop a pile of losing keno tickets and chicken wing bones.
I live in Charlotte and there’s always been this one guy who follows me around the grocery store dressed in green-and-gold 49ers gear chanting “Boo! Bottom 10!” and throwing free cocktail weenie samples at me as he gnaws on a beef stick. I would punch him in the nose, but that’s no way to treat a cousin.
The RedHawks have opened their season by losing to three other teams that wear red: Wisconsin, Rutgers and UNLV. Now they face the FCS Lindenwood Lions, who wear black. If they lose that one, then they are destined to fall to their next opponent, Northern Illinois, who wears red and black.
Speaking of red, the Red Wolves have had a rough September, opening with a win over another set of Redhawks, Southeast Missouri State, but then losing three in a row. That includes a Week 2 defeat versus Arkansas, who amazingly did not figure out a way to lose in inexplicably heartbreaking fashion. Watching Razorbacks football these days is like watching all those dashcam TikToks. It’s not a question of if that truck up ahead if going to crash into a light pole, but how.
Waiting list: Northworstern, Flori-duh, Louisiana Rajun Cagings, Eastern Michigan University Emus, We’re Not In Kansas State Anymore, Georgia State Not Southern, South Alabama Redundancies, Muddled Tennessee, UTEPid, Give Me Liberty Or Give Me 1-3, Akronmonious, Baller State, stomping on a kicker’s feet.